Tuesday, August 5, 2008

The Mummy: Tomb of The Dragon Emporer

A friend of mine just posted a movie review for the third installment of the already tired and annoying "Mummy" franchise. I have yet to see the entire movie, but I thought this was funny so...what the hell, why not? Here's something to chuckle at.

photo is dedicated to the slackmistress and willbetheboy
mummy 3
A movie review by Jason Baxter

So here we are nearly approaching the end of the summer movie season. We've had some pretty good movies so far i.e. (The Dark Knight, WALL.E and Iron Man). This third installment in the Mummy series is definitely not one of them. In fact this movie is kind of embarrassing. Easily the worst film this summer since Hancock. I will admit I was a fairly satisfied viewer when it came to the first two, but this one....what the ****

Brendan Fraser is back, Rachel Wiez is not. Instead we get Maria Bello doing a bad impersonation of Rachel Weiz's character from the first two. This time Brendan and Rachel A.K.A. Rick and Evelyn, have a kid. His name is Alex. The actor playing Alex, well lets just say I hope he dies soon. He looked like a cross between Stephen Dorf and John Goodman's ball sack. Their kid is 20 in this thing. How the hell did that happen? The story..well, there's no point in going into detail considering I don't even know what the whole fucking thing is about anyway. In fact there really isn't much of a story. Just a bunch of CGI and really bad one liners.

I will be fair by saying I did appreciate the look of the film. A lot of money went into this puppy and it shows. The production design is top notch. I especially loved the whole look at the beginning during the Chinese New Year, but looks only go so far. The movie becomes a burden halfway in and Brendan Frasier (whom has turned in some really good performances in the past) is just hamming it up. There hasn't been this much hamming since Zack Braff's character from Scrubs.

If you have any desire to go see it, go. Don't let me stop you, but I will be waiting outside of the theater so when you walk out I can say "I told you so." Not really, that would be creepy.

Oh, I almost forgot. Jet Li's character in this is ******* weird. One minute he's Jet Li, the next he's a dragon, then he turns into half cougar half.......sack of pubic hair ****, I don't know. I don't know what to make of this thing. All I know is I didn't like it and I really don't see too many people liking it either, unless you're a 32 year old virgin who lives at home and plays Duck Hunt while masturbating to Jessica Rabbit. I don't even know what that means.

Jason's opinions do not reflect the views of others, primarily the owners of this website. This has been another fantastic update brought to you by www.johndarko.con and Cup of Noodles for keeping this site up and running.

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7 comments:

CHRISTOPHER NOOSE said...

THIS GUY ROCKS. BEST REVIEW I'VE READ ABOUT THIS MOVIE YET. MAKE THIS GUY YOUR PERMANENT CRITIC. FUNNY!

the slackmistress said...

Ha. Thanks for the photo shout out!

John Darko said...

no doubt haha.

Anonymous said...

CHRISTOPHER NOOSE

THIS IS CHRISTOPHER NOOSE AGAIN AND I MUST ADMIT I STILL CANT STOP FROM LAUGHING SINCE I READ THIS REVIEW. IT HAS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD FOR SO LONG, IT'S BEEN A BURDEN IN MY EVERYDAY LIFE. I CAN'T FUNCTION. MY EYE'S GO BLURY, I CAN'T BREATH ALL OF A SUDDEN; IT'S LIKE MY WHOLE LIFE HAS LED UP TO THIS ONE MOMENT. THIS GODDAMN MOMENT. TO READ THIS STELLAR REVIEW FOR A FILM THAT I HAVE STILL YET TO SEE. I WANT MORE FROM THIS MAN. I NEED HIS PRESCENCE. I LIKE DRAGONS AND I'M SURE WALTER BRIMMLY DOES TOO.

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