Tonight, I'm going to express my feelings on a particular subject I was hoping would vanish with time. As a matter of fact, I've been thinking of posting my thoughts on this personal issue for quite some time now. But I hesitated. I guess I didn't feel like throwing stones at myself.
Then I thought about it and came to the quick conclusion that: this is my blog - my journal - a diary if you will - my intentions were to expose myself to whoever was interested and more importantly, I needed a creative outlet between my film projects and everything else I was doing in the professional world. Essentially, blogging is a form of therapy. I enjoy writing and lately I've come to embrace it more then I expected to. Of course this is accredit to anyone who has left a positive comment or sent out a friendly e-mail.
What might appear to be an effortless gesture has suddenly became tiny accolades in a sea of uncertainty, in which I'm referring to my becoming of a successful writer/film-maker.All in all, you guys rock. This is me being real, I'm not trying to patronize any of you. To know that there are some people who actually appreciate your work, whether it be a few to a few hundred...is such a comforting notion!
So now that we got that out of the way. I'd like to comment on something you don't normally see writers talk about. Which is the depression, all of us face (at one point or another) when we're alone, in that dark room focusing on the computer screen, typing away into the wee hours of the night. It happens all the time and it comes in waves. For example: when I wrote the first draft for "Damaged People" a script on which I had no experience on. I locked myself away for an entire month, only surfacing for food and water. Talk about extreme measures, yet the funny thing was...there was no deadline, no studio or producer waiting for a copy, not one person waiting to read what I have just accomplished.
In all honesty, I could have cared less. I felt like I was doing something special, not so much for the project but for myself...and as the last page fell out of my printer, I felt like "Wow, this is the real deal. I just wrote a ****ing screenplay."After a week or so of some much needed R&R, I felt sullenly aloof to my personal life. There was a disconnection that happened when I was immersed in crafting the script. You can't pin-point the moment of incident, but you can definitely feel it, gradually making us weary. This especially goes for writers who race to meet deadlines. I mean, you get out of it, eventually. That's what friends are for - same goes for family, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends and little pets that fit the palm of your hand...lol.
The reason I speak about these things; is because I feel like there are hard truths that may seem daunting to confront, but need the attention of the unsuspecting.
Unfortunately at the moment, I'm riding a wave of loneliness that has resulted into a hint of depression and anxiety. As we speak, I'm waiting for the green light on a current project of mine, in which I spent the last few months re-developing.
I feel like I'm desperately chasing cars and because of my inability to nurture a relationship, I feel like I'm going at it alone.It's hard for me to articulate my feelings and as I said before, everyone looks out a different window, so my experiences are nothing but subjective thoughts against the narrative of a million voices. But I'm vocal so therefore I am...if that makes sense.
About a week ago, I finished watching all the episodes of "The Office" and as I played the season 4 finale, I felt sad...not necessarily because I had ran out of episodes but mainly because I had nobody to share the moment with. I had been too wrapped up in my work, that I completely forgot about my personal life. During the next few days, I was sort of depressed, moping around in my pajamas and sh** I needed a fast kick in the arse. I've been trying some meditation techniques, it helps but still I need a break. Maybe I'll go out and meet someone - or - maybe you can just hook me up with a friend? Doesn't have to be the prettiest girl, just as long as she's semi interesting. I'm joking, just joking.
So yeah, that's it...people get depressed, it's part of life. But, I wanna let you know that writers and in particular - commissioned writers with deadlines - fall into depression quicker then others because of the techniques we utilize to craft our so-called masterpiece. Also, it is my personal and humble opinion that writers are also some of the most under appreciated talents in the industry.
In conclusion, I write because I love to do it. Even more so now that I have found somewhat of an audience. This is not a complaint, or me whining about the obvious, consider it more of a chronicling of the unsaid. These were my intentions. Thank you for reading.
UPDATE 08/30/08: Before commenting or expressing your thoughts on the matter, please understand that sometimes writers can be self-obsessive which is a fault to the many attributes of this profession. I failed to mention the sudden shifts we can go through when exiting a crazy work environment. For instance it's been a week and change since I wrote this piece and now I feel completely different. I took a break and as expected, I'm much more relaxed. Still no cure for my relationship blues but that is irrelevant to what I do professionally. I would like to thank all of you for sending me e-mails and leaving comments, expressing your personal views on the matter. As I said, we are all different in how we handle depression. Some are quicker to realize that our troubles might be minuscule in a grander scheme or some might take depression and loneliness in a whole different manner due to what might be a situation in need of dire recovery. Just stating the obvious. In all actuality, I'm a rather happy individual who thrives on helping others. No shit, lol. If you read the article again, you'll notice that I'm also trying to express my love in regards to my profession and not so much to thrash it. So, it's not all mope and sadness. I just wanted to post (in real time) my thoughts on how I felt at that particular moment, after all this is the forum to do so. Again thanks for the feedback. We're keeping it interesting here. In a second conclusion...I say, people are complex and that is all.
Tags:industry, depression, loneliness, confessions of a writer, general, film, personal, movies, john darko
